Madonna-Whore-complex

You may not be familiar with the term Madonna-Whore-complex, or Madonna-Mistress-complex yet, but you’ll probably recognize it when you read the explanation here. Subconsciously, we are being taught that women are either chaste and pure or wildcats sleeping around with half the town. For some men, it’s hard to understand that their partner could be a little bit of both.

What if it was your little sister?

When men talk about women amongst ‘the guys’, they can get a bit coarse sometimes. Women may be described and discussed as mere sex objects. This changes immediately, however, if it turns out that the woman in question is the (little) sister of one of the men. Sisters, mothers, daughters, aunts… all women you treat with respect. Most men don’t want to know that these women are considered desirable by others and that they have a sex life too. They see them as chaste maidens and want to maintain that image.

Virgin vs. Whore

People suffering from a Madonna-Whore-complex, sort women into two categories so to speak. Women can be either a Madonna (the holy virgin Mary) or a Whore/Mistress. Philosopher Freud wrote on this subject: “Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love.” Through the eyes of someone suffering from this complex, a woman can only fulfill one role. So they can’t love the women they want to sleep with and they don’t want to sleep with the women they love. What also often happens is that men approach women differently once they become mothers. In that moment, they have so much respect for their wife, because she gave birth to a child. What may have happened is that in their mind she has moved from one category of women to the other. They now look up to her, and don’t want to ‘stain’ her by having sex with her. This can be very annoying for women, who can feel rejected and sexually neglected by this changed behavior.

Problematic

In itself, it’s normal and self-evident that men don’t want to sleep with their mother or sister. However, if they try to build relationships with women later in life, this complex can get in the way. Most intimate relationships involve both sex and love, which then seems hard to combine. For example, you may be in a FWB-relationship, but the moment you start to develop feelings for the other person, you no longer want to have sex with them. Sex is so strongly linked to something that is done to a woman, something that makes her less worthy and less respected. Obviously, that isn’t right. If there is consent, having sex is not disrespectful at all!