10 most ridiculous sex tips

You should NEVER act on these crazy tips but they are a good laugh!

The internet can be a great resource for sex, but it can also be filled with absolute garbage. So you know what we did? We found some of the best garbage sex advice for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

1. Bring your partner to a grocery store as “sensual foreplay.”

The idea behind this tip is that food can be super sensual and that people can have fun together smelling foods and tasting them, and making an event out of it. However, the event should never be a trip to a grocery store. Those places are the absolute worst – kids are screaming, the fluorescent lights are glaring – and if you start smelling all the fruit sensually… they might kick you out. 

What you should do: Buy a bunch of sensual foods and explore them together in the comfort of your own kitchen.

2. Put two fists around the penis shaft and twist in the opposite direction.

Creating different sensations during a hand job session is a lot of fun, and we definitely promote experimentation. However, gripping and pulling in opposite directions sounds like something elementary school kids used to do to torture each other’s arms.

What you should do: Grab some lube, use two hands, and interlace your fingers together. Twist both hands in the same direction.

3. Hanging food off the penis (like a doughnut) and eating it while alternating between licking the shaft.

I like penises and I like doughnuts, but the thought of them together just sounds like a sticky mess (and not in a good way). First, placing food on a penis is going to be such a terribly unsexy struggle. Then you get a mouth full of food and have to lick the penis. Do you wait until your mouth is empty? This feels like it could take a long time and generally not be worth it.

What you should do: Buy doughnuts. Eat the doughnuts. Rinse your mouth. Play with the penis in question. Eat more doughnuts.

4. Use urine as spermicide.

There is a myth floating around that urine can be used as spermicide, so if you pee inside someone, you don’t have to use a condom. Seriously, this myth exists. This is not a valid form of birth control and it can actually lead to infections.

What you should do: Participate in water sports if you want, but never ever pee inside someone.

5. Licking your hand and slapping the vulva.

This sounds like an instant mood-killer. Unless your partner has specifically requested this – just don’t do it. In fact, don’t lick the palm of your hand before anything sexual (use lube instead of needed) and don’t slap vulvas unless you’re told to do that by your partner.

What you should do: Gently caressing the outside of the vulva was your (dry) palm can feel really great. No slapping needed.

6. Put pop rocks in your mouth and give a blowjob.

Not just pop rocks – but there are sex toy companies that actually make their own packaging for this phenomenon. Pop rocks are fun to eat – they are not fun to pop against someone’s penis.

It creates a lot of saliva that turns into a sticky sugary mess – but you can’t do anything about it because you can’t swallow pop rocks that are still popping. It can also be really uncomfortable for the person’s penis because it will pop against the most sensitive area – the frenulum. 

What you should do: Enjoy your candy and your blowjobs separately.

7. Creating a sneeze right before a climax by sprinkling pepper.

There was once a suggestion in a magazine to sprinkle pepper under your partner’s nose in order to cause them to sneeze at the same time as their orgasm. It’s supposed to “amplify” the good sensations.

Have you ever sniffed pepper by accident? That would put a stop to any orgasm almost instantly. Also – bringing a pepper shaker into the bedroom seems like risky business.

What you should do: Nothing with pepper, ever.

8. Have sex in the woods and get turned on by insect repellent.

Insect repellent is probably one of the worst smells in the world. Sunscreen can be reminiscent of summer, which in turn can potentially bring back sexy thoughts. But insect repellent? No thank you.

If you need to douse yourself in insect repellent before having sex, you should probably just pick another place to have sex. The last thing you want is a bug bite on your genitals – and you should never spray your genitals with insect repellent.

Also, you wouldn’t be able to kiss each other’s necks or ears or anything, because all you would taste is bug spray.

What you should do: Find an outdoor location that does not require bug spray. Or, light a ton of citronella candles to keep the bugs away.

9. Cook dinner topless to get in the mood.

This might be the stuff of fantasies – but it should stay in your fantasies. Unless someone is making a salad for dinner, you want to avoid risking any hot sauces or oils on the stove top from flying onto the skin. Cooking dinner fully clothes is hot enough – you don’t need to risk nipple burns.

What you should do: Cook your partner a delicious dinner while wearing clothes – that’s sexy enough as it is. Let your partner undress you after for dessert.

10. If you’re not home alone – watch a horror movie to cover any sexual screams.

The thought behind this is interesting – if someone is screaming on television, your roommate might think that your sex screams are just horror screams.  Except there are so many flaws to this plan. The first is that hopefully your sex screams don’t sound like horror screams. The second is that hopefully horror movies don’t turn you on. The third is that you’d have to turn the movie up really, really loudly to cover the screams (which brings us back to the second reason this is a bad idea).

What you should do: Master the art of being silent during sex, which can be a really fun game to play with your partner. You can punish each other for making noises with little spanks and love taps. Otherwise, just turn up some regular music.

Have you heard any other ridiculous tips? Let us know – we’re up for a good laugh!