Insecurity during sex: how not to worry in bed anymore

You may recognize this: that little voice in your head that starts to talk when you are in bed with your partner. “Do I look good (enough)?” or “Am I any good at this?”—insecurity during sex is completely normal and more common than you might think. And you can do something about it. In this article, we highlight the most common insecurities and give practical tips to boost your self-confidence, so you can enjoy your intimate moments without stress.

1. Accept your body as it is

Maybe the most common insecurity: feeling insecure about your body. From worrying about a few pounds too many to the way you look in certain positions—a lot of people worry about this. But the secret here is: your partner is not concerned about every smallest detail. They are occupied with you. Try to remind yourself that your unique charisma is actually attractive. If you are still bothered by that critical little voice in your head, then consider taking a moment to look in the mirror and find the things that you do like about yourself. Build your self-confidence little by little. It helps to focus on pleasure instead of “perfection.”

2. Talk to your partner

This may sound a little scary, but communication is priceless. It may be hard to express your worries, but your partner probably has just as many insecurities as you do. Talking openly about what you both like will reduce tension. Discuss what you find enjoyable and maybe what makes you feel tense or uncomfortable. You’ll find that the feeling of understanding and support can take away a lot of your tension. Bonus: you get to know each other even better this way, and that usually only results in better sex.

3. Let go of the idea of ‘perfect sex’

Sex doesn’t have to be like what you see in movies or series. It’s not always that perfect or polished, and unexpected or funny things happen plenty of times. So you don’t have to live up to unrealistic images. Try to focus on how you feel, on the touches and the intimacy, instead of striving for a ‘perfect’ performance. Let go of the ultimate goal and simply savor the road that leads to it. It usually helps to focus on your breathing, to take a few deep breaths and be aware of the moment—this takes you out of your head and brings you down to your body.

4. Stop comparing

Comparing yourself to others is one of the main culprits when it comes to insecurity in the bedroom. Whether it’s about experiences from your partner’s past or images on social media, comparing probably doesn’t make you feel better. Realize that each sexual experience is unique and that what you share is between you two. No one else has your specific connection, which makes it special. Focus on what you like and what works for you as a couple.

5. Be kind to yourself and give it time

Building self-confidence doesn’t happen overnight. So don’t be too hard on yourself if it takes time to feel more relaxed. Almost everyone feels insecure sometimes and it’s okay really, if you need time to grow. Do you have a negative thought sometimes? Then challenge it. Ask yourself if that thought is really true, or if it’s just causing unnecessary stress.

6. Dare to seek help

If you notice that insecurity continues to bother you, even after trying out various tips, it can be useful to get professional help. Sexologists and relationship therapists can often help you with practical exercises and insights to get more comfortable with your sexuality. It can be very liberating to talk to a professional about things that you normally wouldn’t talk about.