How long does sex usually last?

In the afterglow, still flushed, and a little out of breath. And then you sneak a glance at the clock on your nightstand: how long did it actually take? You’d deserve a medal if you’ve never thought about this. We compare ourselves to porn, or to friends and coworkers who lie about their hour-long sessions. Time to look at what’s actually true, and the reality is more liberating than you might think.

What the figures say

In a large international study, couples used a stopwatch to track how long penetration lasted until he climaxed. The average result: about 5.4 minutes. Just over five minutes, whereas most people would expect fifteen minutes or longer.

In another study, sexologists were asked what they considered realistic. They called three to  seven minutes fine, seven to thirteen minutes wonderfully extensive. For most people, under two minutes feels too short. And then the part that the one-hour-man would rather skip: those same experts considered ten to thirty minutes of penetration to be on the long side. An hour is a tall tale, not a norm.

Where does this hour-myth come from?

From the realm of fantasy, and that’s exactly where it belongs. A scene is designed to arouse, just like an action movie is made to thrill. It’s edited, shot from multiple angles and focused on maximizing viewing pleasure. That makes it wonderful to watch and a great source of inspiration, but not a benchmark for your own sex life. Think of it as the Formula 1 of sex: amazing to watch, but not the speed at which you drive to the grocery store.

Her clock runs differently

This is where it gets interesting. On average, women need more than twice as long to reach climax as the five minutes of penetration of the average couple. Mathematically speaking, things usually don’t naturally line up.

Is that a problem? Not at all, as long as you don’t define sex solely on the duration of penetration. Foreplay, hands, mouth, adding a vibrator: anything that gets you to the finish line counts. You can think of penetration as dessert, instead of the main course.

Sex starts earlier and ends later

That average 5.4 minutes only counts the time of penetration. A sex shop surveyed 4,400 customers about their sex lives and found an average of 19 minutes for the whole session, including foreplay. Kissing, licking, caressing and teasing are all part of it and take up a significant portion of that time. Penetration is just one component of sex, and, for many people, not even the best part.

That also explains why a few minutes of penetration sounds so short. It’s only part of the story and nowhere near the whole story.

A quickie is sex too

Five minutes against the kitchen counter while the pasta is boiling can just as easily be the highlight of your day. Alternating between fast and hungry, and taking your time sometimes, keeps things exciting. An elaborate, all-night affair is fun for the weekend but exhausting on a Tuesday.

Longer or shorter, it’s up to you

Do you want to make it last longer? Take a break, change the pace, use plenty of lube and try a condom if that helps dull the sensation for him. Prefer it short and intense? That’s fine too. Afterwards, ask yourself three questions: was it satisfying, did it feel good, and did I want more? Yes on all three counts means the timing was just right, no matter what the clock says.