Your body has changed, so has your sex life: on sex after major weight loss

When you lose a significant amount of weight, a lot changes – not just on the scale, but in your mind too. You might suddenly feel more confident, view yourself differently in front of the mirror, or feel more comfortable taking up space. It could also be that mental aspect lags behind the physical changes, and looking in the mirror still feels awkward. Both are normal. One thing is certain: something shifts. And that applies just as much to your sexuality, even though hardly anyone talks about it.

Your body doesn’t know itself yet

For your nervous system, major weight loss is almost like moving house. Familiar touches suddenly feel different. A hand on your hip rests differently, simply because there’s less padding underneath, so positions you’ve been doing for years can feel completely different. Some women notice that their favorite position takes a bit of getting used to. Others are actually more flexible or have more stamina, and are now able to do things that simply weren’t possible before. There’s nothing wrong with this. It’s new territory, which can be navigated by trial and error.

After all, compliments from others are different from arousal from within. Everyone may be raving about your new body, but that doesn’t automatically make you feel sexy. Sometimes it even has the opposite effect: the more praise you get, the greater the pressure to actually feel it yourself. What others see and what you feel can be out of sync for a while.

Women share their stories

As this feels different for everyone, let’s share accounts of women who have experienced it first-hand.

“I lost twenty kilos in 18 months and expected my confidence to grow right along with the dropping number on the scale. It was nothing like that. In fact, I actually felt more insecure, because I was confused about which body I was moving. Only after a few months, and a lot of experimenting solo, did it feel like my own again.” – Fleur, 29.

“Despite my weight, I’d actually always felt pretty confident in bed. Well, in the heat of the moment, arousal usually won out over my insecurity. What did often get in the way though was feeling bloated – that was my biggest mood-killer. Whether that was literally the case, or more the idea of feeling bloated in my body, I honestly still don’t know. Now that I literally feel lighter, I do notice that I enjoy sex more. I also have some loose skin, but honestly that doesn’t bother me much; I feel more beautiful anyway with the weight off. It took time for that feeling to grow though. My weight has been stable for a year now, and the way I saw myself took longer to adjust than the numbers on the scale did.” – Annemarie, 43.

“My husband and I were quite severely overweight, and it’s almost sad to look back on it, because those kilos really got in the way of our sexuality. My husband actually had little desire for sex; we could easily go two months without touching each other. If you’re in the middle of it, you don’t want to acknowledge that your weight is the major reason. In hindsight, we see that now. We both started our own journey, and he’s now at a healthy weight. What a world of difference. It’s not that he suddenly finds me much more attractive; it’s more that he feels more comfortable in his own skin again. And what people don’t talk about at all: our bellies were literally in the way. Him on top didn’t feel good; too heavy, and what I never considered before; he can penetrate me much better and deeper now. I feel a bit ashamed to say it, but the difference is so huge that we are actually rediscovering each other in bed, and we’re enjoying it very much.” – Anonymous, 38.

About that excess skin

Significant weight loss often comes with excess skin. This causes insecurity the moment the clothes come off, and the pitfall is silence. Avoiding the subject, turning off the lights, hiding yourself a little under the sheets, is counter-productive. Just mention it. With a partner who is worth it, saying “I’m still a bit self-conscious about how my belly feels now ” often works better than you might think.

What does stand out: after weight loss, many women become more sensitive to touch. A healthier weight often goes hand in hand with improved circulation and a more stable hormone balance, exactly the two factors that drive arousal and sensitivity. As a result, touches that used to do very little, can suddenly hit the mark. Be open to this, and rediscover what feels good.

Self-confidence doesn’t come before, but through sex

Waiting until you feel completely confident before becoming intimate again is a classic trap, and one that gets you nowhere. That sense of confidence usually arises because you have sex again.

Start small. Standing in front of the mirror with someone you trust. Masturbating with the lights on, not off. Each small step normalizes your new body a little more and before you know it, it feels like yours again. Who you are in bed doesn’t necessarily have to keep exact pace with that.