How to make sex with a third party exciting, safe and really fun

You’ve fantasized about it. Maybe you’ve already mentioned it cautiously, between two bites of pasta. “Would you ever … with three?” And now the time has come. There is interest. There is excitement. And maybe even a potential third party. But what now?

Sex with a third party can be arousing, connecting and intense, but it also requires some preparation. Not too clinical. Yet conscious. Because a threesome sounds simpler than it is. Here’s your step-by-step plan.

Step 1: express your intentions

Fantasizing is different from doing. Honestly ask yourself (and each other): do we want this for kicks? For connection? Out of curiosity? Or to solve something that actually has nothing to do with sex? Only if the answer comes from a place of pleasure and trust, do you have a solid starting point.

Step 2: choose your third person carefully

Do you go for someone you both know? Someone from a dating app? Or a professional? Each scenario has its own dynamics. Note: choose someone you both find attractive and trustworthy. No doubt, no fuzziness. Only enthusiasm.

Step 3: make agreements (and write them down if necessary)

What is allowed? What absolutely isn’t? Is kissing okay? Oral sex? Do people sleep together? Do you use toys? Who can touch who? It may sound over the top, but by getting these aspects clear beforehand, you prevent things getting exciting in the moment in the wrong way.

Step 4: check in with each other (and with yourself)

Even if everything seems to be fine, make sure to check: are you still curious? Is your partner relaxed? Do you feel free to back out if things don’t feel right? You can stop at any time. Even if you are already in bed half-naked. Agree on a code word or sign to let each other know that you don’t like it after all. 

Step 5: use protection — always

Condoms, lubricant, latex gloves possibly. Make it safe for all. Don’t talk about testing afterwards, but beforehand. It’s not a mood killer, it’s sexy responsibility. And show that you respect each other’s body.

Step 6: evaluate without judgement

Whether it was fantastic or awkward, talk about it. What did you find exciting? What did you like? What would you like to do differently next time? And very important: it’s okay if you decide this was a one-time thing. Or not.

Sex with a third person can broaden your sexual horizons. You get to know yourself better. Get to know each other, and your desires, better. And yes, it’s exciting. But vulnerable too. So be honest. Play. And dare to adjust and evolve.v