In the mood for sex, but not with your partner

You want sex. You want it now. The fantasy is there, the energy is there, you’re ready for it. Just not with him who’s lying next to you sleeping as if nothing’s wrong. And maybe nothing is going on. But in your mind? Something is definitely going on. Welcome to one of the most common and least discussed feelings in a relationship. You’re in the mood. Just not for him tonight.

It says nothing about your relationship

Let’s get the biggest misconception out of the way right away: a difference in sex drive doesn’t mean that something’s wrong, just that you are human. Libido is influenced by sleep, hormones, work, the seasons, what you ate, and yes, sometimes simply by the fact that your partner has thrown his socks next to the laundry basket three nights in a row.

Your cycle doesn’t lie

Before you start wondering whether something is off in your relationship: check where you are in your cycle. Because your hormones have their own agenda – and they don’t consult anyone.

In the luteal phase  – after ovulation, about a week or 2 before getting your period – feelings towards your partner can suddenly feel much cooler. You may have a greater need for space, and less patience for his jokes. Some kind of inner “not now” that you can’t quite explain yourself. Sound familiar? That isn’t you rejecting him. It’s progesterone taking over for a moment.

And then, just before your ovulation? A completely different story. Your libido skyrockets, you feel more attractive, more confident, and yes, more selective too. Biologically speaking, your body is on the market, and it makes that known too. In that phase, you might look at your partner and think: yes, absolutely. Or: hm, actually not. Neither says anything about the future of your relationship. It only tells you that you are a woman with a cycle which does more than give you a lousy week every month. So track your cycle. Know it and use that knowledge; it saves you a lot of unnecessary doubt.

Five things you can do if your libidos don’t match

• Going solo is also an option, and that’s perfectly fine. Masturbation isn’t just for singles. If you’re in the mood and your partner is not, there’s nothing wrong with indulging yourself. No drama, no pressure. It is not a statement about your relationship; it’s simply practical.

• Initiate non-sexual physical contact as intermediate form. Sometimes a person who isn’t in the mood for sex, does want intimacy. Cuddling, massaging, or just lying close together. This can also be enough for the other person, and it keeps the connection intact without anyone doing something they don’t feel like doing.

• Make arrangements (yes, really). Planned sex may not sound romantic, but works surprisingly well. If you both know that Saturday morning is ‘your moment’, expectation builds and the partner with lower libido also has mental space to prepare for it.

• Investigate the cause. If a partner structurally has a lower libido, it’s worth looking into why. Stress? Lack of sleep? Hormonal changes? A sexless relationship rarely starts with a lack of love, but often with a lack of rest or attention to what they need.

• Don’t be afraid to seek help. A relation therapist or sexologist is not the end of the road, but a starting point. Many couples wait until they really can’t figure things out anymore, while just a few sessions earlier in the process are often enough to get you back on track again.

And what about those thoughts?

Those thoughts are yours. Fantasizing about someone else while in a relationship is not betrayal; it’s simply how the brain works. What you do with those thoughts is a different story. But having them? You really don’t have to be ashamed of that.