Why you only get in the mood after you’ve got started

You’re on the couch, your mind racing with grocery lists and mails you still need to answer. Your partner slides closer and you think: no, not tonight. Ten minutes later, you find yourself somewhere you didn’t expect to be, wondering where that desire suddenly came from. Relatable? Your libido isn’t broken. Your desire simply only kicks in once things get moving.

There are two types of sexual desire

Spontaneous desire comes out of nowhere. You see an attractive colleague, you read something arousing, or you wake up with a tingle, and your body is turned on before your mind even has time to think about it. This is how desire is usually depicted in movies and series, which leads many people to believe that this is the standard.

Responsive desire works the other way around. The desire only comes after the touch, the kiss, or the mood has even begun. You don’t have to start with it, you discover it along the way. Sexologist Rosemary Basson described this years ago in her model of sexual response, and author Emily Nagoski brought it to a wider audience. Their message: desire that arises only after the start is just as real as desire that was already there.

Why it so often stays under the radar

Those who believe that desire must come first and sex second, are often waiting for a signal that never leads the way. This is how couples end up passing like ships in the night for months: one waits for the other to take the lead, while the other waits for lust to strike. Many people experience responsive desire, especially in long-term relationships or during busy periods. The hormones of initial infatuation fuel a spontaneous spark, and once that settles, the capacity for desire remains, but it needs a little nudge.

The question you should be asking yourself

“Do I feel like it?” is the worst question you can ask yourself on the couch. The answer is often no, simply because your body hasn’t done anything to say yes yet. Try asking yourself or your partner a different question instead: am I open to getting horny? Or even more honestly: do I feel like feeling like it?

Yes, it sounds like a phrase that would instantly kill your libido. Yet, it works better than you think. You’re not asking if the desire is there yet, but whether you’re willing to give it a chance. If you say yes, start small and see what your body does. If you say no, that is just as valid an answer and no one has to think anything of it. Try it out tonight, out loud or in your head.

You’re always allowed to say no

Here’s the most important caveat. Just because desire can grow while you’re in the middle of something, doesn’t mean you should let yourself be talked into anything. “I don’t feel like it” remains a perfectly legitimate answer and no one should try to smooth that away. It’s about being able to check in with yourself to see if it’s a “no” or a “not yet”, and making that choice yourself. If you start, and it just doesn’t feel right, you simply stop. You don’t need to have an excuse for that.