How To Talk About Sex

How often do you talk about sex with your partner?

We’re not talking the standard “Fancy a shag?” but actually really talked about your approach to sex, your personal views, and how you might best meet each other’s needs?

If the answer is “Not very much” then you’re not alone in that.

A Lack of Communication

As it happens an alarmingly slim percentage of us have open and ongoing dialogues with their partner when it comes to the topic of sex.

The problem often emerges in our first sexual experiences (the teen years, typically) and then expands from there.

In one study of adolescents more than half of those involved more than half had not actually discussed sex with the people that they were dating. Another study found similar results, with younger individuals actually worried that their partners would negatively judge them for discussing things such as safer sex barriers and sexual boundaries.

When you think about it this isn’t too surprising.

Sex is always something we’re told we do rather than discuss. Sex in the movies just kind of happens. Sometimes sexual intent is conveyed with naught but a passing glance. Other times flirtation is involved. Rarely are their representations in our society of people talking about sex prior to engaging in it.

But this is doing us all a grave disservice.

The Importance of Opening Up

Elvis Presley was on to something with his iconic lyrics – in fact he was spot on! Conversation is vital for a happy, healthy, open, and honest sexual relationship.

Current sexual science suggest that the more you talk about sex the better your sexual gratification.

Beyond just the sex, talking about sex has also been proven as an indicator for overall relationship satisfaction, meaning that it’s definitely worth investing your time in if you value either sexual or relationship gratification.

But how do we start talking about sex?

Here are a few of our best suggestions.

Play The ‘Yes’/’No’ Game

If you’re unfamiliar with discussing sex then it can be very helpful to strip things down to their bare bones.

Settle in to a cosy night with your partner and play a simple ‘Yes’/’No’ game; where you each take turns asking a question and then your partner/s answer with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ From there you can either ask them to elaborate or simply leave it at that with a respectful nod.

Not only is this a great way to easily get to know your partner’s needs but it also easily opens things up for more conversation without feeling too forced.

After all, it’s all part of the game.

Get Visual

Each take 5 minutes to draw picture of yourselves and then create a little ‘sex manual’ highlighting your favourite areas to touch, any ‘no go’ spaces, scribbling objects, colours, feelings or sensations that work well for you, and putting in little emoticons that speak about your sexual identity.

Then, when you’re done, trade drawings and discuss what your sexual guide means.

This is a great one because it actually gets you thinking about what you like too and really forces you to think about your sexuality and how best to convey it.

Getting creative and being abstract can both help make sexual conversation easier and break the ice.

Plus, afterwards, you both have a little manual that you can refer to, add on to, or adjust as time goes on.

Watch Porn

This one is a great way to get communication going while also upping arousal for a potential sex session afterwards (or during).

Share your favourite pornography and spend some time talking about why you like it, you favourite parts of it, what you’d like to try from it, and how it inspires you personally.

You can either take turns with this or have a little porn marathon where you excitedly share and flick through some of your favourite pieces.

We may be a bit biased but we think the Dusk library is a great source of inspiration for this conversational prompt.

Flip A Coin

Or roll a dice, or draw cards, whatever helps you in this one.

Taking the coin example, you flip a coin and call it, the person who wins the coin toss takes 5 minutes to talk openly about their attitudes towards sex, the other then goes and then you both spend an additional 5 minutes having a back-and-fourth dialogue about what you’ve shared.

We say ‘5 minutes’; chances are that such conversations will go on for longer and you’ll end up talking long in to the night, but at least the initial ice was broken with the toss of a coin.

Things to Keep in Mind

While it is fantastic to talk about sex remember that these conversations are not about putting your partner down, being negative, or yucking anyone’s yum.

Be respectful with each other, listen without judgement, and take any feedback with an open and receptive approach. Remember: Sexual preferences that previous partners have had might not work for another, so this isn’t about slighting a technique or your performance, it’s simply about finding out how to best meet each other’s needs.

Do so and you’ll likely find that you both reap the benefits and help to foster a long and happy future of open sexual communication.