Why fantasizing about someone else is not cheating

Your fantasies can actually say something about yourself — instead of your relationship. You’re lying next to your partner. Sweet, familiar, warm. But somewhere in your head another face wanders. Someone from the supermarket, a colleague, an ex, a total stranger. Suddenly, in your thoughts, you are all over someone else. Feeling caught? Embarassed? Guilty? Stop. Inhale. Exhale and relax. You’re not cheating — you’re human.

Fantasies are not a breach of contract

Fantasizing is something we all do. Day-dreaming about exciting scenarios is not a sign that you don’t find your partner attractive anymore, or are secretly on Tinder. It only means one thing: you have a vivid imagination. And it is yours to keep, also if you are in a relationship. A thought is not an action. And desire is not the same as a secret plan.

Your head is free territory

Your brain may be the most exciting sex toy you have. There are no rules, boundaries or agreements there. You can do things in your head that you’d never want — or dare in real life. Think of sex on a kitchen table with your barista, or you in a hotel room with three strangers. Delicious. And totally okay. Fantasies are not manifestations of what you are missing. Sometimes they are just an escape, sometimes a surprise, or a boost to your libido. Sometimes… just random.

But what if it happens regularly?

That’s fine. Repetition doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your relationship. Maybe you just fantasize easily, or are just a curious person. It only becomes a problem if you can’t separate your fantasies from your reality anymore — or when avoiding your partner becomes a habit. Then it’s interesting to ask yourself some questions. But in an inquiring, not a judgmental, way.

Should you share this with your partner?

That depends. In some relationships, talking about fantasies is a form of intimacy, while it can feel hurtful in other relationships. Check with yourself first why you want to share about this. Is it out of guilt, or because you want to enrich your sexual world together? If you decide to share, do it from a place of trust. Not like: “I fantasize about someone else, is that bad?” but like: “I fantasize about other people sometimes. Do you do that too?”, which is a way to start a conversation instead of a confession.

You can be more than just a partner

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you should limit your sexual self to one face, one scenario, one way of arousal. You aren’t less loyal if your mind wanders sometimes. Fantasies are private pleasures. Intimate playgrounds. And sometimes they say more about your inner world than about your outer world

Finally: give yourself space

Fantasizing is not cheating. It is not a threat to your relationship, but an invitation to get to know yourself better. And maybe even a gateway to more pleasure — alone, or together. So next time your mind wanders while your body is in bed: smile. You don’t have to correct yourself. You don’t have to feel guilty. Your mind is yours. And what you do inside your mind? That’s between you and your imagination.